appreciation

at least it's redemptive that i've learnt to restrain my cynicism on select occasions. maybe i should rephrase that since evidently that came out, er, cynical. i sing my national anthem once a year (and no more), wholeheartedly, for myself, to declare on whose side i stand. for a few hours on christmas day i actually, transubstantiatively, imbibe both religiously and socially things due to God and man.

and today i believe these students are truly appreciative of what i do, and, more significantly, i believe for a moment that what i do truly matters to them in some way. and this is enough belief sustenance for the rest of the year.

disenfranchisement

sometimes i don't know whether to encourage such disillusionment with sympathy or complaint, or whether to encourage stoicism or even optimism in view of prevailing circumstances. since disenfranchisement (usually about work, political sentiment, people in general and particular, the 'system') typically manifests as a railing against status quo, and since typically i tend to agree with such attitudes, i'm inclined to compensate, maybe over-compensate, by detecting my biased negativity first. to read that onto others though, is probably unwarranted.

so far i merely refrain after voicing said opinion. hopefully silence mitigates itself.

ex

an ex emails after a very long hiatus. general well-wishing and concern for being. precis edition of past x years of life. how's things?

pleasantness of surprise, triggering of memories, speculation of current state, indulgent contemplation of past, wistful musing, tinge of regret, genuine interest in well-being, some curiosity, amorphous feelings and peripheral distractness for the rest of the day.

too much reaction derived out of too little consequence. but that's what the past will do to you.

bullying

seemingly dusty phenomenon most thought of in association with corners of schoolyards and raggings of pre-teen recalcitrants.

but surprisingly prevalent even in higher institutions of education, at the workplace, or even indeed at home, manifesting as some sort of moral ganging up against an individual earmarked for his or her difference in thought, opinion or action, or some sort of arm-twisting from one in a superior position over the subordinate. detected because of its obvious purpose: the put-down, the undermine, the deflation, the crush - all person-directed.

power.

subway in school

this came up, the subway sandwich vendor in an actual school canteen, my two conversationalists decrying such a move as creating a situation of class distinctions. it's makes the poorer kids feel bad that they are unable to as freely spend the pocket money they don't have on what is more of a luxury item than the rest of the tuckshop fare or be left out of the social cliques that comfortably make no distinction between subway and fishball noodles. school, at least, should construct an environment which minimises this scenario as much as possible, since already they suffer the comparisons of pencil cases, bags, shoes and other such objects of status.

it surprised them that i suggested that the poorer kid might feel insulted by the impetus to 'protect' him from this big bad unfair world or to think him unable to afford such just because he cannot maintain the lifestyle, that the aspirational nature of the choice as a pleasure to be indulged in occasionally or discretionally is meaningful for such a child, or that he'd want to feel a sense of belonging to social circles which are already exclusive without preemptive ostracism.

flirting

much vaunted, this buzz. needs to happen only with the tentative, the unfamiliar. knowledge defeats it utterly, of course. on the other hand, the merest hint or thought of some light, casual, near insignificant exchange can be pleasurable or stimulating, almost refreshingly so.

we know how the mind works in this regard concerning novelty et al, and we should know better than to mistake it for the real thing. all the same, it satisfies a certain sliver of our psyche. let me wager the metaphor of having banquet proportions of dishes and dinners, feasting at mealtimes of one's choosing ... and yet still undiminished in one's desire for the aroma of food.

the smell's the thing.

ennui

hard to shake off, this inability to do much else, to engage intellectually in the content ideas in one's work (a few months ago i was voraciously devouring these philosophy books the moment i got them), to adjust physically my environs (a bit less than passionate now over my verve for housework), to expand emotionally relationships necessary and obligatory (maintainence and cruise-control is all about i can manage), in short, a listlessness inured by the mundane. (no irony the console game that occupies my time is entitled oblivion.)