happy first birthday

hell is being childless at a children’s birthday party. said party was replete with pairs of over-anxious parents in various stages of zealousness, comparing infant formulas, toddler speech patterns, the relative merits of accessible attire and accoutrements, toys and books leading up to pre-school educational systems. lest one be accused of antipathy against infants (more than a fair share were carried, hugged, fed and played with), let it be pointed out that even the most engaged non-parent in such an scenario cannot but be marginalised in a flurry of feeding, fussing and family. redundant in identity.

i found employment as party video-cam operator.

difference

topic came up again - gay culture. so did my pet theory: that it's otherness that they're looking for, hence the need to define themselves differently, behave differently. drew the analogy to the feminist movement in claiming cultural space from the norm. so it isn't biology, nor upbringing, nor merely social factors, but political ones, self-empowerment et al.

simple thesis - difference begets identity.

powerlessness

felt especially with vested interest, when one cares about the situation one feels powerless to affect. seeing as we have a multitude of things we have no control over nor try to.

the sense of frustrated impotence however, rankles, because it combines both the desire for a better outcome, failing which a better attempt, failing which a better response, and the reluctance knowledge that what one does makes little or no difference, or that the difference wouldn't matter under any circumstance, or that one is unable to do that which one thinks would make a difference.

past, present and future

seventeen year old asked if i was concerning with old age based on what this blog seemed to revolve around or project in its undercurrents. the answer was not at all, true because i hardly live days looking ahead whether anticipating or fearing what is to come. while this position avoids dread, i suspect it sacrifices hope. if anything i'd confess to being preoccupied with things past than things future, and further admit to that being both a failing and an indulgence. and i'd like to believe that living in the present is a harmonious equilibrium i've managed to attain.

now is a good place to be.

friendships

man turns forty. life's midpoint, perfect for looking janus-like, forward and back. man throws birthday party. a host of friends arrive, wish him well, presents, food, drinks all round. no one is merely polite, everyone meant to turn up. old friends make the effort, newer friends make the effort. everyone is happy, man is happy.

it's a good measure of a person's worth - genuine friendships. i'd argue against success, wealth, fame etc as indicators. a man makes things count when he makes them count for people.

lack of sleep

this cotton-headedness, caused say, hypothetically, by watching some physically fit adults navigating a stitched leather ball across a rather large well-kept lawn, in lieu of slumber, is of course both retrograde and inopportune to general professional well-being, and perhaps to overall interaction with life as well. such lack of productivity is usually uncountenanced, although one can make a case for the paradoxically discerning quality of such a state of mind. such a mind chooses to ignore the unimportant, distances all that is not urgent, disengages all but the most pressing of emotions, relegates wants and fulfils only needs, prioritises well and wisely, and basically watches the rest of the day like one would of the television, from the best angle and position, critically and exclusively, and with appropriate toilet breaks. yawn.

rodent

the more adventurous of the robo rodents made a break for the wild beyond (in this case past the dining table) from an uncapped tunnel exit. too many less-than-human-hand-sized nooks and crannies, piles of domestic jetsam, further-than-torchlight-range shadows made chasing it down impossible and luring it out the only sensible option.

said rodent was found late at night making a beeline for sunflower-seeds-and-water bait, putting paid to the notion of brains over brawn, book over sword, cunning over effort, idea over action, and all other crises of will to power.